-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The Flight Attendant looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the Flight Attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The Flight Attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane In a Moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.
posted
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER 12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM 83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
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THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT......
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
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WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
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WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
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WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT..........
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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS "ONCE UPON A TIME....."
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS.......... "Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SH*T
-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts."
-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-------------------- Just some thoughts from a nobody. Posts: 3685 | From: Lakewood,Ohio | Registered: Aug 2003
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-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
A crusty old ARMY Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature. "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1957, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
-------------------- OHIO GENERATOR ALTERNATORS TEAM CACTUS SOUNDS TEAM BUDWEISER-2006 SS1-2Champions CLUB 664 FOUNDER/PRESIDENT 2nd Place 2004 USACI Modified 901-1800 World Finals 159.7 2005 Former Street Max 1-2 World Record Holder 2005 DB Drag Finals SM 1-2- 3rd 2005 USACI Finals Mod 901-1800- World Champion 2005 IASCA World Finals Adv.1- 2nd Posts: 1448 | From: Springfield, MO | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Bob had been having severe headaches for many years and his wife finally persuaded him to see a neurologist.
The doctor said, "Bob, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bob was shocked--and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years!! But he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. He walked down the street, and he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need...a newsuit.' He entered the shop, and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, 'Let's see, size 44 long?' Bob laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years,' the tailor said. Bob tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Bob admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a newshirt?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Bob and said, 'Let's see, 34" sleeves and 16" neck?' Bob was surprised, 'That's right; how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Bob tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Bob thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. Bob laughed, 'Ah ha, I've got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400; New shirt - $36; New underwear - $6; Second Opinion - PRICELESS
-------------------- Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied? Because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money..... Posts: 727 | From: Green Bay WI | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns.. 14 03 2008
This is truly Hilarious! :-)
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Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for Twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs…. Schlemiel Usk
And the Response is..
Dear Schlemiel:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps. Sincerely Walter
-------------------- Just some thoughts from a nobody. Posts: 3685 | From: Lakewood,Ohio | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
-------------------- Just some thoughts from a nobody. Posts: 3685 | From: Lakewood,Ohio | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
-------------------- Just some thoughts from a nobody. Posts: 3685 | From: Lakewood,Ohio | Registered: Aug 2003
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